The Pressure Cooker of Marriage 🤢

To begin with, I hate marriage as a whole. 

This may not be an objective review of the " The Damn Marriage System in Kerala". But I swear educated self sufficient women will definitely agree with me. 

Anyway why on earth do we need marriage? 

Parents: To have generations?

Oh, F**k that!

Society: You'll end up alone.

May be true.

Me: As if I am not alone right now🤣

Ok ! What if I get divorced, then who would I have?

I seriously wish If Protestants had some monastery for nuns.... I'd have definitely joined there just to escape marriage.

Social Context for Marriage to take place in Kerala:

* Bride and groom same caste, religion, class, and good family background.

*Extra qualifications: (for dumb families like mine) Government job compulsory, a person who is extremely spiritual. (They get to know this just by the words of some random people whom they talk for the first time in their life)

My Story:

I loved a man. He was so sweet. Okay! I still love him. We were in love. He didn't have government job but has a will power to work hard to feed his family. He was not so rich, still not rich, just a normal man, but so self sufficient. He talks very softly, breathes like honey (I always get lost in his breaths).

He was always alone in his struggles, he had to provide for himself when he was very young, make a house all by himself.... Everything by himself and surely with God's grace. He never gave me the love that I deserved not because he didn't want to but because of our situations. He cannot bear it if he loves me and loses me. So even if he has feelings for me, he hesitates to admit it. We were in love. At one point, he really got afraid of this love that he tried so much to stay away from me.

For 1 long year, we lived with out communication. I was a dead corpse that whole year. I couldn't live with it... So I texted him every day because I can't live without him. He deleted my number and everything but I didn't care.  I love him. And still love him.

I told my parents about him. That time they told me that studies are important and my aim should be to get a good job. Today I'm 25 going on to 26, jobless still preparing for competitive exams to get a government job. They are bringing fucking proposals for me. ( Sorry for my language, I seriously don't have a better language to express my feeling.)

What a hypocrites, My parents?

I'm still in love with my man, Even if I couldn't marry him, I have decided not to marry anyone ever. 

Then how can I even try another man?

No, I can't!

Even if I do for my parents sake, I could never be loyal to that person. So that's it about me .

I value love more that any damn class, caste, religion, fucking governments job.

Love is the only qualification I have set for my man. (I should love him).

Typical mallu families forces their daughters to get married, be slave to some man, give them their body, and soul, sacrifice their dreams, wishes and freedom. Hell!

I would rather run away to some slave trade centre.

The irony is that some helpless women gets  succumbed to this family pressure and try to fit in just like my bestfriend Tharara.

I literally feel suffocated, when my parents show another man other than my 4 year long love. How could I even try to talk to him when I get suffocated to think about someone else. 

I can't cheat another man or family, so I just said no which probably hurt my parents. I feel sorry for them, but I have no other options. I may give up everything for them but not my love. Because He was my 4 years of prayer. And I would never feel what I feel for him with anyone else.

If they force me and give me no choice, I may rather marry and divorce that man which I definitely don't want to do.

I'm not the villain here, it's the damn narrow minded society and its thoughts that has been instilled in my parents. I seriously wonder if they know that I am waiting to get married to my love with their wholesome support, happiness, approval and all. I have been literally praying for that for 4 years. How can I marry someone else?

I seriously want to fall in love before getting married? I can't marry a random  man whom they find for me. It's not that I don't have trust in them. 

My marriage was one of my greatest dreams. (To get married to the one I love). 

Now all I could do is to add one more prayer into my list, that my  "NO" s to marriage should never hurt them, my parents. 

I feel helpless. But still I trust my God. I'm sure He won't hurt me or my parents. 

He'd definitely find a better painless way out of it. Oh! You may think, I got into this mess and praying to God to help me out. Let me say, isn't that something real friends do. (Without projecting, without judging, a real friend always understands). 

My God is my best friend, lover (ofcourse! I love my God more than any man in this world, but marriage is purely humane😌), my parents and my everything. I hold myself each and every second only with my hope in him. Oh! I love my God. Surely I'm gonna watch miracles in life.

I'm so sorry atheists, you are really unlucky that you don't have a God to love!