👤: "🌍 God's Love for Me 🌍"

"4 years! What have you gained?"

"Who's it ? ". I wondered. Who on earth is so worried about me?

"Hahaha.... Who?" The answer came from inside me.

" Silly mind !" I thought. 

I swear there is indeed someone inside me who always haunts me with millions of existential questions and throws me into some dull mental crisis.

Anyway I can't always answer questions with questions. I should have an answer.Yes. What have I gained from these 4 years of relationship (if I could call it so.... But I won't)

All I know is that I loved him and still love him. I confessed, he agreed and then we were in a nameless relationship. (Yeah! Still nameless)

Defence mechanisms:

1. “What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.” William Shakespeare (but Rose is not our relationship 😌)

2. Why should love need a tagline? It's love. I love him. That's more than enough. Period

Again me😌

3. I am not lucky enough to be loved and that's okay 👍🏻😁 (ok I'm not crying 😭)

4. Crying every day and night for 4 years ( fine I was bluffing 😂 but still my heart is heavy 🥹)

5. Confessing to parents ( utter failure. There is nothing I regret more.... Again bluffing....I regret being born in this fame seeking, hypocratic, narrow minded society! Screw all conventional thoughts)

6. And the list goes on.

Back to our topic. What have I gained?

History:

 

I fell in love... So in love.... Still in love

About him ( read other blog posts.... This blog is for him )

Screw the society, religion and damn culture.... Injecting discrimination in my family! 

He was so adorable ( still he is😌❤️ One of the Sweetest things God has ever given me)

When I think backwards, he was the only one who valued me atleast to some extent (within his limits).

I know his hands are tied and so is mine... I didn't realise that in the beginning... I was so naive. He has been telling me all that from the very beginning itself, that our love would not be accepted by my family since he has no government job. (Screw government jobs. Irony: I am a psc aspirant)

More importantly he is a singer and a keyboardist. And that's his passion. And as his lover I should be supporting his passion, shouldn't I ?

We all live in 21st century, I don't believe that a man should feed his family. It's our combined responsibility. If I have a government job, then also we can raise a healthy family.

Okay my love was so sincere but naive. So I told my parents to grab their support. I thought they also think like me. But I was wrong. So.... Wrong (actually that decision destroyed me. I lost everything that I love (Like going to church... Singing in the choir... My belief went down and here I'm facing spiritual sterlity.)

 He started to put distance so that he won't get hurt in the end (as if that would help me). No complaints... He was afraid and so I am right now. Then there was a series of heartbreaks for me. We were never officially over, but we always took breaks in our relationships (it's him because he was afraid of commitments.)

Yeah! It did hurt me at times when he treated me like an option (if everything comes right he'll take me or else leave me. So when he leaves me, he shouldn't get hurt so he just stops talking to me.)

But will it help me? Only people who have loved deeply would have an answer for this.

There were times during our relationship, when I used to wonder if he really loved me (I still wonder that). His long meaningless conversation of me getting married to someone else but not him, he deleting my two numbers, he unfriending me on Facebook and Instagram, he not giving calls,and a lot more.

I first I used to think he was a cruel man cause he was hurting me like hell. Because even his minute ignorance (mainly late replies) was tearing me apart. But now I can relate to him and no complaints.

When he saved my contact again on WhatsApp, I felt like the happiest person ever, once more. The Easter Eve of 2022 when he send me follow request on Instagram once again, gave me the best Easter ever. Because it filled my mind with happiness. 

The day we met in the road like random strangers was my favourite moments with him. Yeah! I loved him without words, without touches without guarantee. But it was my God who gave me the strength or else I would have been taking medication for depression. (I was such a sad ass).

When he go silent without calls and texts, I get drowned of courage and won't be bold enough to reach out to him (mainly because I was afraid that he might tell about his marriage which would never involve me).

When he was afraid of getting hurt, I was afraid of losing him. (I am still....).

There was a time during the time of corona, I literally used to wait for his calls from morning till evening. I could still feel that heavy heart when he never calls. Let me say, those calls were my best memory of him. I felt for the first time, there was someone who likes to talk to me, spend time with me (maybe it was his timepass). He still gives me mixed signals so I don't know. I won't blame him for that either. But I really wish if he really loved me and told me so. (May be twice he told me that after me forcing him to say).He was afraid to say that he loves me but he wants me too. This society sucks, or else he would have been mine.

Now the present, What I have gained? 

Maybe nothing, I never felt loved, I never felt wanted, I never felt special even after putting all my efforts for him. His fear made him blind to my love or atleast he pretends so. I lived a relationship with my lover for 4 years and still our relationship doesn't have a name. We were more than friends in every way but we could not transcend to the universally accepted lover's stage. I loved him without touches, without spending time with him, without being near him, by staying away from him but loving him more than anything. I didn't gain anything. Maybe a relationship with no name and a heart full of pain to live the rest of the life. But whatever relationship we had, the base was love (atleast for me) and that's enough for me to live the rest. I gained nothing but I made him feel my love , amidst all his fears. His fears were stronger than my love for him but I know my love was strong enough that he could not resist it for so long. I didn't gain anything but I could die in contentment that I made him feel my love. 

And If love has tags, then what love is that anyway ? 

If God gives him to me or not, He is my man and would always be. My sweet, adorable EVERYTHING . My "🌍God's love for me🌍" as he is saved in my 👤contacts.